long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
