So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
