His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
