ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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