Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
