imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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