how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
