Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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