My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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