wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize