is your mom at the bar?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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