So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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