I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize