Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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