she woke up with a sticky ear
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
