Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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