Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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