Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
