"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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