nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
