'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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