Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
