What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize