I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
