How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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