He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
