The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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