WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
