I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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