i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
