1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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