I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
