if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize