I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
