I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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