Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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