3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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