if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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