I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
