My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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