My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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