Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
