dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You are a genius and a whore.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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