my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
did i just pee glitter
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