So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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