I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
