PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
