My underwear smells like fireworks.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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