Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
