Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
