the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
