How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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