right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
