So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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