I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
