i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
