I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
