I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
